Posts tagged ‘heart defect surgery ‘




Scrambled


Let me start off by saying this:  In no way am I intending to throw myself a pity party. 

A LOT has been going on.  I’ve come to a lot of realizations.

Let’s start with the subject a lot of you have been waiting for me to come out with:  (Although, you’re going to be quite disappointed that I am NOT, in fact, “coming out with it.”)  A few weeks ago, I finally learned a HUGE secret in my marriage.  (No, Ben did not cheat on me, and we are ALL safe.)  It hurt.  I can’t say I have ever felt so stupid, small, betrayed, degraded and worthless.  But, it is all being worked through and Ben and I have never been closer than we have been in the last three weeks.  We’re in a good place and enjoying reconnecting with each other.  I’m still digesting this piece of information, but I’ve chosen to look at it as an answer to a LOT of questions that have always plagued our marriage, and I have VERY high hopes and expectations that things will look a lot different from here on out.

I’ve lost every single friend that I’ve ever made.  (No, this does not include my online heart mom friends, you are all amazing and the support you have given me is beyond appreciated.)  Every person I’ve really gotten close to, in person, I’ve lost.  I’m over it.  I do NOT feel like making relationships that are bound to fail.  I know, I do not act like a 21 year old.  We are not on the same level, and that’s fine.  I’m married, with a kid that has special needs.  I am just so tired of trying to connect, when there really isn’t a way to do that.

And on that note I must take a moment to write something to a someone who I do not care to send this to personally, but would rather just get it off my chest, hope you read it—then do what you want with it.  I don’t care for a response, if that’s what I wanted I would call you, or I would write you an e-mail.  Here goes:

    I can’t believe you knew all this time and never said a word and wanted to be the one to hold my hand.  I don’t even know why I repeatedly go back to you for support, when I know what’s bound to happen.  It is not worth my time, and you do not deserve to be able to break my heart.  You’re simply not worth it.  I’m sorry that you have absolutely no sense of self.  It’s sad to really be able to realize the person you are.  You are not, and have never been worth my time.  Although you have listened when I needed someone to, you always had a secret pertaining to my confessions.  You hurt me far more than I should have let you.  Someday, I know that you are going to be the one who ends up alone and lonely.  And, I will not feel sorry for you.  It really is what you deserve. 

On a MUCH brighter note, pertaining to Ava, especially—I am so truly blessed.  Yes, Ava has a heart defect that is forever, not curable, and very serious.  But, she has only had 3 minor colds her whole life, one emergency surgery, no ER trips, ever, and is overall a very healthy, happy kid.  It could be worse.  In fact, she could not be here at all.  But she is, and she is thriving, and I am just so beyond blessed to have her.  I wish that everyone’s journey with CHD could be as amazing as ours has been.  Although there are sad moments, we have yet to have anything absolutely devastating happen. 

I noticed today when talking to my mom how refreshing it is to talk to people who have been through what you’re going through as far as CHD is concerned.  Mom was saying she was telling someone she works with about her 2 year old grand-daughter needing her 4th open heart surgery, and this lady couldn’t stop saying, “It just isn’t fair.  Wow.  Only two!  How can they deal with that?  Poor thing.”  Sometimes it is really just easier for someone to say, “Oh yeah, it’s stressful waiting for surgery, but I’ve done it before, you’ve done it before, and we’ll all do it again!”  It’s just easier, now, to answer questions like, “What variation of the Fontan?” and “How does she usually recover?” 

Sorry this is a bit scrambled, and I feel like I’m cutting it short, but I’m out of things to say.  Except, every time I get hit with something new, I think “that’s it.  I simply can’t take anymore.”  Yet, somehow, I always seem to brush myself off and find a new way of looking at things.  I am tired, but I’m sure I’ll make it through another day.

5 comments January 10, 2011

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Congenital Heart Defects Life with a CHD Tricuspid Atresia Uncategorized

Life with a CHD

beautiful daughter cardiologist visit CHD CHD Congenital Heart Defect Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Congenital Heart Defects Congenital Heart Defect surgery fear anxiety fear life strong Fontan Fontan Surgery Fontan Surgery CHD found out diagnosis tricuspid atresia problem surgery Giving back heart defect surgery Heart kid life life CHD life heart tears Life with a CHD life with a CHD fear life surgery scared worried life with a chd life struggles life with CHD Living with CHD Living with Tricuspid Atresia PICU
 
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