Posts tagged ‘CHD Congenital Heart Defect ‘

You might as well stamp it on my forehead…

I have a child with a Congenital Heart Defect.

I know it, and I know people are talking about it.  Which doesn’t bother me.  People I went to high school now ask about Megan- “Wait, Smith?  The one with the kid with the heart defect?”  That’s me!  I know it’s often used to describe me.  “Yeah, you know Meg—She has Ava, the one with the heart problems.” 

My point is, it’s become such a huge part of me. 

I knew when I became pregnant that things would change.  I knew that having a child would change every single aspect of my life.  I welcomed these changes.  After having Ava I enrolled in school for nursing.  It’s a long road, but it is truly my passion and a career that will eventually let us be financially stable.  I knew that being a mom meant no going out and drinking every night.  I knew it meant going to bed hours earlier and getting up with the sun. 

I didn’t know that when we found out about her heart that it would change me, like this, forever.  Having a child who has a health problem takes a lot out of a person.  You are constantly tired, and constantly worrying, hoping, praying, and just trying to enjoy the moment you have been given.  The diagnosis of her heart defect took so much of me. 

I didn’t know that I would no longer be myself.  I let go of so much that I cared about.  Not people wise, so much, but it what made me, me.  Every relationship I ever had changed, although I built new ones. 

It’s so much easier to talk to people who truly KNOW.  You can imagine, but I promise that what you are imagining is nowhere close to how terrible, scary, and wonderful life is with a child who needs OPEN HEART SURGERY.  Only the people who have walked my same steps can understand the way I feel, and unless you have there is NO WAY you can validate my feelings.  Even though I have Ben, and he is here going through it with me, it’s not the same.  I’m her MOTHER.  I’m the one who carried her in me for 38 weeks and 5 days. 

I disconnected somewhere, at some point and I’m not sure how to get back to that time.  The time when I was me.  When I had time to worry about myself.  When I had time to enjoy something for myself.  I’m not sure if I’ll ever get back to the old Megan.  I’m not sure I want to.


4 comments August 28, 2010

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Congenital Heart Defects Life with a CHD Tricuspid Atresia Uncategorized

Life with a CHD

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